


Discoveries

by Ghostwriter (Zoya_Zalan)



Series: Flight of Illusion [3]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Mystery, Romance, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-21
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-03-25 01:31:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3791614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya_Zalan/pseuds/Ghostwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Janeway and Chakotay agonize over the fallout of their bet as <i>Voyager</i> ventures deeper into the Vardan sector. Part Three of the Flight of Illusion series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Discoveries

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer** : Paramount owns all things Voyager; I'm just borrowing. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> Many thanks once again to Carol for being such an awesome beta!
> 
> Written in June 1998.

~ * ~ * ~

Janeway stared at the piece of paper until those two unbelievable words were burned into her retinae. The almost imperceptible shaking of her hands was the only outward sign of her surprise. She'd been completely caught off guard, thinking for sure that she'd lost the use of her Ready Room for an unspecified amount of time. This was the last thing she'd expected. As she sat there, dazed, the words she'd spoken only moments before suddenly rushed back to haunt her: _I lost, and I'll accept whatever it is you require from me..._

"Captain?" Neelix's cheerful voice broke the silence. "The suspense is killing us."

"Yeah, Captain, let's hear the damages," grinned Paris.

Janeway tore her eyes away from the piece of paper, only to stare helplessly at the top of the table in front of her. "Well," she hesitated, her voice cracking noticeably.

"Now don't even think about backing out," Paris warned jokingly. "You both agreed to the deal, right?" He looked at Seven for reinforcement.

The former Borg took the cue with her normal indifference. "That is correct. You must comply, Captain."

_I must comply_ , Janeway thought ironically, resisting the urge to laugh at her situation. _What did I get myself into..._

"Captain, are you okay?" Torres asked when she still hadn't said anything.

"Yes, I'm fine," the captain managed to find her voice, still staring at the table, unwilling to meet anyone's gaze.

"So?" Paris was being relentless, and she knew he wouldn't back down until he heard the truth.

"It appears," Janeway began, taking a deep breath to calm herself, "that Chakotay wishes to make our relationship a bit more... personal."

Until then, Chakotay had managed to remain outwardly unaffected, hoping that she would make something up that the others would buy, and that he could follow along without question. But now, he felt his face begin to flush, and he couldn't help but close his eyes in embarrassment.

"What do you mean?" asked Torres, shoving Chakotay's shoulder again. "Like a date sort of thing?"

_Oh, Gods_ , thought Janeway desperately, knowing she'd already said too much to try changing anything now. "No..." her voice trailed off as a lump formed in her throat. She looked up from the table, her gaze finding that of her first officer. So many things were written there: fear, embarrassment, and a silent apology wrapping them together. But there was also hope and a great deal of love. Taking another deep breath, she continued. "Chakotay has asked that I marry him." She was shocked at how steady her voice was as the words slipped from her mouth.

A deafening silence filled the Mess Hall as reality hit home. Everyone was staring in astonishment, some at the command team, some at each other. Paris was the first to venture a thought. "Well," he began, looking at his wife. "That's a tough one. What kind of a time limit do you think we should set?"

If looks could kill, the one Torres gave her husband would have left nothing but a burned pile of ashes where he stood. Paris continued to look her straight in the eye, a wicked smirk plastered across his face. Disbelief was written in his eyes as his wife's response confirmed the fact that he had, indeed, heard the captain correctly.

Torres tore herself away from Paris's gaze to look around the room. Everyone appeared to be holding their breath. The two commanding officers seemed oblivious to the rest of the room's occupants, their gazes locked. The emotions being silently exchanged between them warmed Torres' heart. Their expressions were absolutely priceless. _Finally!_ she thought with a smile.

The chime of the comm system interrupted the highly charged atmosphere, Tuvok's voice echoing loudly through the silent room. "Captain Janeway to the Bridge."

_Damn that Vulcan!_ Torres spat inwardly.

Janeway recovered quickly, a fierce blush spreading across her face as she realized how intently everyone was watching them. "I'm on my way, Tuvok," she replied, tapping her combadge.

The room was suddenly alive with activity. People were getting up from their chairs, some coughing or clearing their throats, and others acting like nothing strange had happened at all. Janeway looked warily at Chakotay, a small, worried half-smile on her face. "Commander," she said. "It might be better to change into something... less comfortable before you report back for duty."

"Aye, Captain," he acknowledged sheepishly.

Janeway nodded and started for the exit, the piece of paper with his proposal still firmly held in her hand. The onlookers stepped out of her way as the captain passed, watching until the doors had closed behind her.

Chakotay stood up slowly, turning to face Torres. "I can't believe you did this," he said, indicating the bathrobe.

The smile on Torres' face disappeared slowly. "I'm sorry, Chakotay. I never meant for the joke to spin this far out of control. All I really did was remove the clothes from your quarters. The dampening field was originally set for Tom; I just conveniently forgot to mention it to you."

Chakotay nodded, finally understanding exactly what had happened during his fateful excursion to the cargo bay.

"I can't believe you asked the captain to marry you," she continued, a small grin fighting its way back to her face.

"Sometimes good intentions have bad results," Chakotay murmured somberly.

"You don't know that yet."

"I guess we'll see," he offered distractedly.

"Are you mad at me?" Torres asked cautiously, preferring to know the truth up front rather than play a guessing game with her conscience.

A small smile formed on Chakotay’s face. "No, I'm not mad at you, B'Ela; I can't help but admire your creativity... and your temerity. But, do you think I could have my clothes back now?"

Torres snorted. "Computer, initiate command Torres Hijinks 1-B."

"Acknowledged," the computer replied.

"All of your things should be beaming back in place as we speak," she explained, "and you shouldn't have any further problems with the replicators, either."

"Much appreciated," Chakotay offered. "If you'll excuse me."

Torres nodded, watching her friend exit the Mess Hall with as much dignity as he could given the circumstances. Her gaze wandered back over to her husband. Paris was busy scanning the contents of a PADD, his face twisted into a look of intense concentration. She stepped over to where he stood. "You have absolutely no tact," she scolded, remembering his comment earlier about time limits.

"I was just trying to lighten the mood a little bit," Paris replied, still staring at the PADD.

"What are you reading?"

"The betting pool results."

"Chakotay just asked the captain to marry him, and all you're worried about is the betting pool? Aren't you the least bit overwhelmed with what just happened?"

"Of course I'm overwhelmed! You're not gonna believe how much I just won off this whole fiasco."

"I don't believe you..." Torres trailed off, sounding exasperated.

"Here, look for yourself," Paris responded, misinterpreting her comment. He tilted the PADD so she could see what was written.

Despite her anger, the engineer glanced at the contents anyway, reading down the list. One possible outcome after another was listed on the tiny screen. She snatched the PADD from his hands, concentrating harder on what was written. "Some of these are unbelievable," she murmured.

"Amazing what kids come up with these days," Paris smiled.

"That would never have happened!" she barked, pointing to one of the entries.

He leaned closer, carefully reading the words. "I'm not even sure that's anatomically possible," he replied with a smirk, "but we could definitely give it a try."

Torres raised her gaze slowly to his, a mixture of anger and desire written in them. Paris simply wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and continued smiling.

~ * ~ * ~

Janeway was in a daze as the doors to the Mess Hall closed behind her. She might have been laughing if it weren't for the look she'd seen in Chakotay's eyes. Whether or not he ever intended for that note to be read aloud, the pure emotion she'd seen told her everything; those two words had been written from his heart. _He really wants to marry me_ , she mused, a million different feelings surging through her all at once as she approached the turbolift. _And there's no denying it, Kathryn, you want to be a part of his life just as much._

She had come to cherish her first officer so deeply in the last five years. The trust and respect she had for him was unlike anything she'd experienced with any other man, including Mark, whom she had known most of her life. Chakotay's unfailing loyalty, his kindness and compassion, his sense of humor and gentle personality, and, above all, his beautiful smile, were what kept her going each and every day. He was her strength in the face of unbearable command pressure, built to near intolerable levels with no reprieve in sight. He was her spirit.

The captain closed her eyes and took a deep breath as she touched the turbolift controls, forcing her mind back to the issue at hand. Fraternization between a commanding officer and any of his or her crew was very heavily frowned upon by Starfleet. It wasn't necessarily against written regulations, per se, but it carried a great deal of weight as a general unspoken rule. Starship captains don't mingle with the lower ranks. Romance was something to be avoided at all costs for the safety of everyone involved, and marriage was simply out of the question. _So, what about lonely, middle-aged female captains stuck sixty-thousand light years from anything resembling Starfleet territory?_ Janeway thought ironically as the turbolift doors opened and she stepped inside. Her heart was suddenly struck numb by her train of thought. She'd given her promise to fulfill whatever was asked of her in this bet, but that request went against all that she believed in as a Starfleet officer... 

"Captain?" _Voyager's_ commanding officer was startled out of her reverie by the sound of another voice. She realized at that moment that she hadn't ordered a destination, and, therefore, the turbolift was waiting obediently with the doors still wide open. Ensign Brooks was standing just outside, gesturing in a silent question of whether or not she could join the captain. Flustered by her lack of concentration, Janeway shifted sideways to make room for the young woman.

"Of course, Ensign," Janeway expressed with a smile, wondering just how badly she was blushing. "Bridge," she called.

"Deck Four," Brooks added, smiling politely at the captain before turning to gaze at the doors as they closed. It wasn't hard to recognize the tension in the air, causing the young red-headed woman to wonder whether sharing the ride with her superior had been such a good idea. Out of the corner of her eye, Brooks noticed something in the captain's hand, and after tilting her head a bit, she saw it was a piece of paper. Just as she was trying to make out what was written on it without looking too conspicuous, Janeway carefully folded the paper and slipped it inside her pocket. The ensign snapped her head back to stare wide-eyed in front of herself, wondering if she had really seen the word 'Marry' written on it.

Both occupants were silent during the short ride to the Bridge one deck above. When the captain finally exited, she never saw the look of blatant curiosity, or the excited smile written across the young ensign's face as the doors closed behind her.

~ * ~ * ~

"Report," Janeway ordered as she approached Tuvok's station.

"I have detected several shadows at the edge of our sensor range, Captain," the Vulcan stated calmly.

"Can you get a fix on them?"

"Negative. Diagnostics have confirmed that our sensors are functioning properly. Given the fact that we do not have sufficient information concerning this sector, and, in addition, that there are unanswered questions surrounding this debris field, I would not recommend remaining in this vicinity any longer than is necessary."

"Agreed," she intoned. "Ensign Baytart, lay in a course around the debris field and engage at one-quarter impulse."

"Aye, Captain."

"This will give us the opportunity to observe the field further and possibly conduct more tests, while waiting to see if our shadows decide to follow." Janeway nodded toward Tuvok before tapping her combadge. "Janeway to Torres."

"Torres here, Captain," the engineer's voice sounded a bit breathless as she responded a few seconds later.

"Please report to my Ready Room, Lieutenant, and bring all recent data you have on our mysterious debris."

"I'm on my way," Torres replied.

"You have the Bridge, Tuvok."

~ * ~ * ~

Once inside her Ready Room, Janeway afforded herself a moment of calm reflection, beginning with a very deep breath and followed closely by a rich cup of replicated coffee. She chuckled softly as she took a sip, not forgetting for a minute that it was this very substance that had gotten her into so much trouble in the last twenty-four hours. She stared at the cup as she set it down on her desk.

"What are we doing here?" she whispered, closing her eyes. Her mind was spinning; the uncertainty of their current situation, the personal turmoil she was feeling regarding Chakotay... it was all catching up to her. And she was forced to deal with it all without a sufficient amount of caffeine in her system. The sound of the door chime interrupted her thoughts. "Come in," she called, regaining her command composure instantly.

B'Elanna Torres hurried in carrying several large PADDS. Janeway blinked in surprise at the sight of her Chief Engineer. Torres seemed a bit short of breath and she was wearing her uniform jacket inside out, with her combadge firmly attached on the outside — upside down. It only took the captain a split second to realize she'd caught _Voyager's_ newest married couple in an intimate moment. A fierce blush spread across her face as she silently chided herself. "Can I get you something to drink, B'Elanna?" she asked, quickly getting up and heading to the replicator.

"Iced tea would be nice, thank you," Torres replied.

Janeway desperately fought the smile that was forming on her face as she heard the distinctive _twing_ of a combadge being pulled off, followed by the rustle of fabric from behind her. Upon returning, the captain deliberately did not ask why the jacket was now laying across the engineer's lap with her combadge reattached to the front of her turtleneck — right side up.

"Thank you for coming during your lunch break, B'Elanna," Janeway emphasized as she handed the chilled drink to the younger woman, grateful that she wasn't the only one in the room whose face was flushed.

"Not a problem, Captain," Torres replied before tilting the glass to her mouth and draining every last drop of the tea in a series of long gulps. Janeway stood rooted in place, watching with detached fascination. When she was finished, the engineer simply placed the glass on the captain's desk and smiled, desperately trying to look normal. Janeway smiled back and moved to sit down, deciding it was far better not to ask questions in this case.

"Give me a run down on your current data."

"I really don't have much more to report than I did yesterday, Captain. I haven't been able to make a great deal of progress with these test results," Torres explained, handing her the PADDS. "This alloy is a complete mystery. Theoretically, it's impossible that these metals can even exist bonded together like this — at least not in this universe."

That caught Janeway's attention. "Not in this universe?" she repeated, looking up from the PADD she'd been reading. "You mentioned these ships had phase shifting capabilities?"

"That's a distinct possibility," the engineer answered. "In fact, I'd be willing to bet on it. The unique properties of this alloy would enable extremely smooth shifting with the proper phase alignment mechanism..."

"...because part of the ship would already be out of sync," Janeway finished, nodding her head in agreement. "How would this have affected structural integrity?"

"Despite the unusual circumstances, I believe these ships would have been far sturdier than any we've seen. All my tests seem to indicate this alloy is nearly indestructible."

"Which leaves us with a bigger question," murmured the captain, looking down at the data. "What destroyed these ships?"

"Or who," the engineer added, shifting uncomfortably in her chair.

"This difference in phase variance," Janeway began after a few moments, "you mentioned yesterday that it gave you a problem when you were transporting the debris."

"Yes," Torres confirmed. "The difference in frequency of the electromagnetic fields given off by the debris nearly short-circuited the power grid during the initial transport sequence. We had to abort twice before finding the correct modulation."

"I wonder... could these different field frequencies cause unusual side effects in humanoids?"

"You mean like hallucinations?"

"Or nightmares..." Janeway trailed off.

"Captain, the strength of an electromagnetic field varies relative to..."

"...to the distance from the radiation source, I know," the captain finished.

"I could understand the possibility that the radiation might affect us while we're in close proximity to the debris," Torres continued, "but some of these unexplained occurrences, including my own, happened while we weren't even near this area."

"True," Janeway acknowledged. "Have the Doctor look into it anyway," she added grimly. "I have a gut feeling these things are related somehow."

"I'll get right on it," Torres offered.

"In the meantime, I'll let you get back to your lunch break while I go over these test results," Janeway nodded at the younger woman.

Torres nodded back, getting up from her chair. "If I discover anything new, I'll let you know."

"Oh, and Lieutenant," the captain added suddenly, looking pointedly at the uniform jacket Torres carried. The engineer's face turned bright red in record time as she watched her commanding officer scrutinize her clothing, eyes coming to rest on the young woman's combadge. Torres was frozen where she stood, dreading any innocent questions that may follow. Janeway's eyes finally met those of her Chief Engineer, a playful spark clearly visible in their depths. "Keep up the good work."

Torres breathed a sigh of relief before answering, "Thank you, Captain."

Janeway watched in amusement as the young woman made a beeline for the door. As Torres left, a feeling of warm envy washed over her. She'd presided over several weddings in the last five years, but marrying Paris and Torres had been the most memorable for her, and, without a doubt, the most emotional. She'd watched both of them come aboard this vessel, so unhappy with their lives and with themselves, so troubled, and so ready to fight anyone in their path. She'd seen them grow and become strong in the face of adversity, watched them find their place and learn to accept it. And then she'd seen them open up to each other, two souls desperate for something to make their lives complete. They'd become so strong together, a bond that neither of them had expected to find. They were no longer troubled; they had each other. Their love was a constant reminder to Janeway that anything and everything in this universe was possible. But, the ache of her own loneliness always seemed to permeate thoughts of the young couple, making her feel forever guilty that she should be thinking of herself above the happiness and comfort of her crew.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the door chime.

"Come in," Janeway called. Chakotay walked in, still looking extremely nervous and embarrassed. She was pleased to see the colorful bathrobe had been replaced by his usual uniform.

"Captain," he began hesitantly. "I apologize for what happened. If I'd known from the start that Tom intended to read both sets of requirements, I wouldn't have been so bold."

Janeway considered his words, weighing them very carefully against the sudden rush of emotion that swept over her. He was being painfully honest with her, that much was obvious. This wasn't going to be an easy situation to deal with. "Chakotay," she started, only to have the sound of the door chime interrupt the tension growing between them. "Come in."

Tuvok entered, walking smoothly to her desk. "Captain, I have taken the liberty of running several ship-wide diagnostics, and, at present, _Voyager_ is functioning within acceptable ranges of power availability and systems operations. In addition to maintaining yellow alert, I would like your permission to schedule a series of battle drills."

Janeway closed her eyes wearily. "Do you really think that's necessary, Tuvok?"

"Recent events seem to indicate that we would be wise to prepare ourselves for the possibility of a hostile encounter," the Vulcan finished calmly.

Taking a deep breath, Janeway was just about to respond when the door chime sounded a third time. "Come in," she called, shaking her head in exasperation.

Tom Paris burst into the room like he'd been shot out of a cannon, grinning from ear to ear. "Captain, here's the data from the latest sensor sweep," the pilot smiled, handing her a PADD.

Janeway looked at him thoughtfully. "Mister Paris, the last I heard you were still working the Conn. Why is it you're now turning in Operations reports?"

"I couldn't stand the suspense, Captain. I had to know what your answer was," Paris answered honestly, a devilish smirk still plastered across his face.

"My answer?" Janeway repeated, trying hard to keep her voice even.

"Are you going to marry Chakotay, or are you turning him down?"

Tuvok's eyebrows shot straight up into his hairline at the lieutenant's words. Chakotay closed his eyes and tried desperately to look very small while Janeway felt yet another blush warming her face as she continued to look the young officer straight in the eye. But, Paris didn't back down, not even for an instant. "A bet is a bet, right, Captain?" he finished.

Janeway wanted to laugh. She also wanted to cry. But, most of all, she wanted to put her Conn officer in his place, physically shaking some sense into him if necessary. He was coming very close to outright insubordination, and in front of several superior officers, no less. Yet, his smile never wavered as he continued to challenge her with his gaze. "Mister Paris," she began, getting up from behind her desk. "What happened in the Mess Hall this afternoon stays there for the time being, do I make myself clear?"

"Permission to speak freely, Captain?" Paris asked without missing a beat.

Janeway closed her eyes again and took a deep breath. "Granted, Lieutenant, but tread very carefully." She was thoroughly prepared for a verbal onslaught about following through with the conditions of the bet, and she was even prepared for the sarcasm she knew the young officer was more than capable of in circumstances like these. But, the words that filtered through the room next left her absolutely stunned.

"There is nothing this crew wants more than to see you and Chakotay happy, Captain, and that includes me. It hurts us to know something is keeping you from admitting just how much you both care for each other." The quirky smile was gone from his face as he spoke.

Janeway stared at him, completely dumbstruck by his shameless honesty. The powerful emotions were welling inside of her again, making her heart ache. She looked away from him, focusing on the floor, before bringing her gaze back up to look at the other two senior officers present. Tuvok was watching her carefully, a look of extreme curiosity on his face, but it was the expression on Chakotay's that nearly brought tears to her eyes. She saw the same pain and embarrassment that she felt mirrored on his face, but his eyes conveyed something she hadn't expected to see: desire. He looked away quickly, subduing the powerful emotions behind a mask of professional calm, but it was too late. Janeway felt as though she'd been struck by lightning, felt her legs on the verge of turning to noodles as the depth of Chakotay's feelings for her registered in her heart. More than anything, though, she realized that her own restrained passions were yearning to be released. She wanted him just as much, but she had a ship to run, and those responsibilities took precedence over everything else, including her personal feelings — especially her personal feelings.

Janeway turned away from everyone then, trying to regain control of the situation both externally and internally. _Get a grip, Kathryn. Deal with the situation calmly and move on_ , she thought frantically before turning back to address the young officer. "Your concern is very much appreciated, Tom," she began softly, deliberately not meeting Chakotay's eyes, "but this... situation... must be addressed during off-duty hours and in a more appropriate place than the captain's Ready Room."

"Understood," the pilot nodded, not looking the least bit offended. He turned toward Chakotay and slapped the older man casually on the shoulder. "How about Sandrine's around 2100 hours?"

Paris's last comment caused a small spark to ignite Janeway's temper. "You're not going to let up, are you, Mister Paris?" she remarked, reverting back to his title to make her point clear.

"No, ma'am," he smiled, looking back at her. "This is big news, and I doubt you'll be able to sweep it under the carpet. Half the ship is already buzzing about what your response will be, and I wasn't even the one who let slip what was written on the paper."

"I'm not even sure I can give a response to this!" Janeway snapped, suddenly very angry at the young man and at being put in such a position. "I agreed to the bet and I lost. I'm not questioning that, Lieutenant. But the terms of my _punishment_ go against everything I believe in as a Starfleet officer!"

Chakotay winced at her choice of words. Janeway caught the action out of the corner of her eye, even though he remained silent, and instantly regretted what she'd said. _Gods, no, Chakotay... I didn't mean it like that_ , she thought as she risked a glance in his direction. He looked at her evenly, pain registering in his dark eyes. "My personal feelings in this situation need to be weighed very carefully against official protocol in order for me to make an objective agreement or alternative suggestion," she finished after a few moments, her voice taking on a calmer tone.

Paris was studying the floor unhappily as the captain turned back to look at him. His face was as flushed as hers had been a few minutes before, regret visible as he looked up at her. "I'm sorry, Captain."

"I agree that I need to address this matter, both to Chakotay and to the entire crew, but now is not the time, Mister Paris. I'm sure Tuvok doesn't appreciate being kept from his duties," she added, directing an apologetic look toward the Vulcan.

"On the contrary, Captain," Tuvok replied dryly. "I am finding this discussion quite fascinating."

If Janeway hadn't known better, she'd have guessed the expression on his face to be one of... amusement? Taking another deep breath, she turned to look at Chakotay and then again at Paris. "This issue is to remain private from here on in, and will not be discussed further on Deck One." Janeway's voice was no longer harsh, but her eyes held a firm warning.

"Yes, ma'am," Paris whispered softly.

After a few moments of silence, Janeway's face softened as she looked directly at each of her officers in turn. "Mister Tuvok, permission is granted to organize the battle drills. Make all the necessary arrangements and brief me on the specifics before the end of the shift. Mister Paris, be sure to monitor our progress around the debris field very carefully and be watchful of any sensor shadows. Let's get back to our stations, gentlemen." All the officers nodded their acknowledgement and turned to leave. "Commander," she expressed quietly, but firmly.

Chakotay remained standing as the others left. He watched the captain absently as she walked to the viewport and stared out into the starfield beyond. They'd become so close over the last year, their friendship deepening to a level of trust he'd shared with very few in his life. How ironic that they should now be standing on opposite ends of a room, neither of them able to find even one word to ease the tension that hung between them like a heavy curtain. Anger surged through him as he thought of the selfish act which had led to this moment. What had he honestly been thinking writing what he did on that piece of paper? How had he expected her to react? Those two words had jeopardized everything he'd shared with Kathryn Janeway until now, and the thought of losing his best friend over such a childish fantasy was almost too much to bear. Yes, he loved her, and he was very much in love with her too, but jumping the gun in a moment of silliness had quite possibly been the biggest mistake of his life. He'd always believed that she felt the same affection for him, but there had been little evidence of that just a few moments before. Perhaps he'd misjudged their relationship; perhaps he hadn't. Either way, he'd forced a great deal of torment onto both of them, and for that he would never forgive himself.

After a few minutes, Janeway returned to her desk and sat down, cradling her forehead in one of her hands. She still hadn't met his eyes, and the silence was stretching between them uncomfortably. Chakotay cleared his throat quietly, prompting her to finally look up into his face.

"Talk to me, Chakotay," she spoke softly. The captain wasn't sitting before him anymore; this was Kathryn.

There was so much he wanted to say, so much that needed to be expressed. A part of him longed to hug her and tell her how much he desperately wanted her to be a part of his life. But, his heart was numb and angry, and first words that came out reflected that. "I didn't realize marrying me would be considered a punishment."

His words stabbed her like a knife, and she blinked hard a few times from the verbal impact. Tears swam in the corners of her eyes. "Chakotay..." she whispered loudly.

"I never meant for this to happen, Kathryn. I've already explained that to you. I have no intention of making you go through with this bet; I never did. It was a joke," he lied, trying to cover his true motives with a parody of the truth, "something I wrote down on the spur of the moment — all because I was convinced you would win anyway, and I was perfectly willing to do whatever you asked of me in the spirit of fair play."

"But, Chakotay..." she tried to interject.

"No, Kathryn!" he snapped firmly. "So far you've been the only one speaking your mind; now it's my turn. This whole issue has been blown out of proportion due to a set of circumstances beyond the control of either of us, and I take full responsibility for starting it in the first place. But, when it comes right down to it, Kathryn, I would have been overjoyed to have you as my wife. I have devoted my professional life to serving you and the needs of this ship. Personally, I've devoted myself to making sure that you're safe and happy, even at the expense of my own happiness. Does that give you any idea how much you mean to me?" he finished loudly, his eyes wild with emotion.

"Chakotay, I never meant to imply that marrying you would be a punishment; the words came out wrong!" Janeway snapped back, standing up as she spoke. "You need to understand this from my point of view. My feelings on this issue must come second — do you understand? Starfleet protocol is very clear in matters dealing with starship captains and their relationships with their crews! I can't ignore that, even in the face of this joke, as you called it!

"This is an extremely difficult situation for me, Chakotay. Had the circumstances been slightly different, I would have simply been flattered by your proposal, but I gave my word to you, and essentially, to everyone on board, to follow through with the terms of the agreement. You may have instigated this whole issue, but I made it even worse. Now I have to find a way to resolve it all as tactfully as I can, and with as little damage as possible!"

"Just answer me one question, Kathryn," Chakotay asked leaning forward over her desk until their faces were very close. "If the situation were different, would you have agreed to marry me?"

The breath caught in her throat as she comprehended the meaning of his words. "I can't answer that," she whispered, shaking her head sadly. Chakotay stood back up straight, a pained look on his face. Janeway took a deep breath and continued quickly, "I can't answer because the situation isn't different."

"I think that answers my question," he responded bitterly.

"That's not fair!" she objected, her eyes burning with anger.

Chakotay's response was interrupted by the comm system. "Sickbay to Captain Janeway," the Doctor's voice rang through the room.

The captain took a very deep breath, looking away from her first officer before she spoke. "Go ahead, Doctor."

"Please turn on your emergency medical holographic channel."

Janeway closed her eyes in frustration as she moved to engage the monitor. "Yes, Doctor?" she emphasized when his image appeared before her.

The hologram's face was wrinkled into an expression of extreme dissatisfaction. "This ship is becoming insomnia central, Captain. More than three-quarters of the crew have not slept properly in the last two days, and the number of hallucinatory experiences has risen exponentially in the last twelve hours alone. Something needs to be done, quickly! I can't keep giving people medication to make them sleep, and I'm tired of sharing my personal space with a morale officer who's determined to offer extensive counseling to each and every patient who comes through here! I liked him better when he was paranoid!"

_Well, it's nice to know some things don't change_ , she thought wistfully. "Doctor, have you received the data concerning the debris yet?"

"Received and analyzed, Captain," he began, his voice calming slightly. "Starfleet records don't contain information on any kind of long-term exposure to the type of phenomenon we are experiencing, but I wouldn't rule out the possibility that the different frequencies of the electromagnetic radiation are somehow causing these problems with the crew. My suggestion is to move _Voyager_ away from the debris field as soon as possible and get rid of whatever was brought on board."

"Very good, Doctor," Janeway nodded, her mind shifting gears. "We should be moving past the debris shortly."

"Thank you," the EMH expressed gratefully. "And what do I do with Mister Neelix?"

"Humor him," she grinned. "It sounds as though he's really trying to help, and perhaps he's actually doing some good. While he's there, why don't you try giving him a few first aid lessons? I'm sure he'd be thrilled."

The Doctor hurumphed loudly before answering, "As you wish, Captain."

Then the screen went dark, leaving her to deal with a very upset first officer. She looked up hesitantly. He was still standing there, his gaze fixed out the viewport. "Chakotay," she called softly.

He turned his head slowly to look at her, pain and regret evident even in that small movement of his body. "I'm sorry this happened, Kathryn, and I'm sorry that you were put into this position. You don't have to worry about explaining anything to the crew; I'll take care of it."

Janeway felt a lump forming in her throat at the sound of his voice. They were both hurting very badly. "We'll both deal with this together, Chakotay."

"I'm sure the crew will understand," he intoned quietly.

"Yes, of course," she offered distractedly, trying to get a hold of her feelings once more. She had sat down and was reaching to pick up a PADD before she realized that he was still standing in front of her desk. Their eyes met once more.

"Am I dismissed, Captain?" Chakotay asked, the sadness in his voice tearing her heart into a million pieces.

After a few moments of numbed silence, she finally whispered, "Dismissed."

Chakotay turned and walked out silently, not seeing the tears that fell from his captain’s eyes as the doors closed behind him.

~ * ~ * ~

Exactly five minutes. That's how much time she had before the end of her shift. Janeway forced her eyes away from the chronometer on her display console. _Voyager_ had navigated around the debris field without incident and was now headed deeper into Vardan territory at warp six. Though there had been no further sign of the earlier sensor shadows, she'd been eager to move the ship onward. It was time to put this part of space behind them.

The Bridge had been extremely quiet the whole afternoon, all of the usual banter absent from the subdued atmosphere. It didn't take a psychologist to figure out what the reason was, or, in this case, who. She was feeling the weight, and it was very heavy. Duty was one thing; personal issues were another. The two didn't mix very well when thrown together, especially where the commanding officers were involved. This needed to be resolved quickly and as painlessly as possible before it started to interfere with duty performance, her own included.

The silence was too much. With two minutes remaining, Janeway stood and turned to face her first officer. "Commander, you have the Bridge."

"Aye, Captain," Chakotay responded, meeting her eyes politely. She didn't allow her own pain to register as she looked back at him, her command façade firmly in place.

"Inform me immediately if anything out of the ordinary happens, Mister Tuvok." The Vulcan nodded in response as she passed his station and headed into the turbolift. As the doors closed behind her, Paris turned and looked dejectedly in Chakotay's direction. The older man never noticed, his own eyes focused on some distant point on the floor, shame and sadness flooding his heart and his spirit.

~ * ~ * ~

After walking for what seemed an eternity, the captain found herself outside Holodeck 2. She remembered passing the Mess Hall and walking through the Hydroponic Garden, but all the other corridors had blurred together. She stared at the control panel outside the holodeck for a few minutes before activating it, calling up a program she hadn't used in more than a year. She stopped just inside the simulation, the soft hiss of the doors closing behind her.

The familiar sights and smells assaulted her senses immediately. Old... That's what it smelled like — something very old. The ancient workshop was exactly the same as she'd left it that night long ago when her spirit had been so pained, her heart so sad. She always seemed to retreat here when life threw her curves that she had a hard time coping with, enveloping herself within the comfort of a place which was timeless and unchanging. The last time she'd stood within these walls, it was to grieve the loss of Mark, who had finally moved on without her. An ending. Now she was here to grieve the loss of possibilities with another man whom she loved more than life itself. A beginning that could have been.

"Chakotay," Janeway whispered softly, closing her eyes to the pain that cut through her like a knife. A wisp of fresh air caressed her face, a stray strand of hair tickling her cheek in response. She opened her eyes and looked toward its source. Across the room, a partially open window welcomed the sights and sounds of life into the stillness of eternity. Slowly, the captain made her way towards the window, carefully navigating around worktables and benches filled with the essence of her mentor's life. Blueprints and books, tools and unrecognizable contraptions, each serving a monumental purpose within the heart of a gentle soul of science. They were an extension of him, of his spirit. Reaching out, she brushed her fingertips across the cover of a journal that lay nearby. His notes — his experiments cataloged and analyzed; his theories spelled out in a language so pure that it transcended the mere realities of science. Some of those theories would fail and prove worthless under the scrutiny of the laws of physics, but that didn't matter. It was the joy of discovery, the exploration of the boundaries of science and imagination that _did_ matter. Only through that process could it be learned that there truly were no limits to what could be accomplished.

Another wash of fresh air assaulted Janeway's senses, bringing her focus back to the open window. She crossed slowly to where it was and looked out. The sun was setting, tinges of rose and orange splashed generously across the horizon. The city below was quiet, hushed in the presence of the impending darkness. Janeway sat down, resting her head wearily against the frame of the window as she watched daylight’s retreat. With a deep breath, she absently pulled out the piece of paper she'd carried in her pocket all day. The words were still there, discernable even in the dimmed light. **_Marry me_**...

Janeway was so lost within her thoughts that she didn't notice the form  
of her mentor moving silently through the workshop behind her. Da Vinci watched his pupil carefully as he lit candles throughout the room. The darkness outside was almost complete, hiding the outline of her face from him. No matter. He didn't need to see her face to know that she was troubled. Quietly, he walked to one of the tables and picked up a piece of parchment and a candle before moving to stand beside her. "Good evening, Katarina," he spoke softly. The captain spun toward him, a shocked look on her face. "I didn't mean to startle you," he offered quickly.

"Maestro!" Janeway exhaled loudly and smiled at him, stuffing the piece of paper back inside her pocket. "That's all right; I'm glad to see you." She stood and kissed the older man once on each cheek.

Da Vinci set the candle down on the table that stood next to them before looking deeply into her eyes. "What troubles you, Katarina?" he asked.

The smile faded from Janeway's face at his words. "Is it that obvious?"

"Had I been any other person, I might have simply seen a young woman enjoying the beauty of a sunset," he began with a sad smile, "but, alas, you, yourself, have allowed the anguish of your spirit to be heard."

At her puzzled expression, the maestro carefully handed her the piece of parchment he held. She took it, leaning forward to use the light of the candle to read. The first words she saw made her take a long, deep breath. "I wrote this..." she hesitated, the memory resurfacing harshly.

"Yes?" da Vinci encouraged her softly.

"The night I read a letter from home, that's when I wrote this. I'd forgotten," she finished, closing her eyes to the wave of tears that gathered against her will. She felt his hand on her shoulder, strong and comforting.

"Perhaps you should read it once more, my child," he whispered.

Janeway opened her eyes again and looked at the parchment, her vision blurred by the intensity of her emotion «s. With another deep breath, she read the words she'd written so long ago:

_SOLITARY JOURNEY_

_They soar through these untamed lands together, standing proud, hand in hand against the wake of unknown destinies. They no longer grieve for that which once was, choosing instead to face each new trial with the certainty that they will prevail. Must prevail..._

_From me they have taken what is needed, nourishment for impoverished spirits, and an infusion of my own strength so theirs may flourish. I guide them with my gentle hand, a beam of light to brighten their path. Standing unafraid in the face of darkness, I protect them fiercely without my own regard. They are my children. They are my salvation. They are my strength._

_What I give to them, they return to me, an eternal cycle that keeps the flame alive where others may have dwindled. In their eyes I see a future bright, filled with warmth and passion, each moment a wondrous new discovery. They have become travelers, these children, overcoming hardships both in body and soul. Where once was despair, there is now comfort and happiness, a willingness to face what lies ahead without fear. I am very proud._

_Yet mine is a solitary journey. I walk beside them, but I must stand alone. It is painful sometimes, not to join my hands with theirs, to bask in their kindness and love. Each day I see hope written in tender obsidian devotion, a mountain to shelter me should I grow weary. How I ache to wrap myself within that haven, to rekindle the joy that I have sacrificed. Instead, I just breathe deeply the aroma of peace this presence brings to me, allowing the healing rays to warm my lonely heart._

_There is much I will see before I rest, and much I will do. Perhaps I will be shown a way to ease the pain, to protect as well as live. I think if there is, I will find it, for my journey, like theirs, has just begun._

Janeway's eyes lingered on the parchment as she desperately fought the tears that threatened. These words had been written in a moment of profound loneliness, when the weight of her responsibilities had crushed her spirit almost to its breaking point. So much had changed since then. They were through Borg space and past the realm of the Hirogen. An unsteady but welcomed sense of peace had permeated the ship for many months now. With messages from home and brave words of encouragement from superiors at Starfleet, the people on _Voyager_ had once again settled into a routine of exploration; a routine that had become their lives. And there was Chakotay...

Since that fateful afternoon when she'd spoken to him about Mark's message, their relationship had changed. Dynamics had shifted considerably, bringing them much closer together. She had welcomed the deepening of their friendship to this new level, cherishing every moment with her very soul. What they had was so wonderful and so strong... and also very playful. They had teased each other mercilessly since then, the laughter and challenge of it all making each of them happier and giving them renewed strength. Flirting had always been part of their relationship, even, to a mild extent, in their roles as captain and first officer. When their friendship deepened, the flirting was destined to follow suit. And it did. He made her feel so human and so alive with his comments, always made to sound innocent, of course. She returned his shots in kind, giving those adorable dimples a much appreciated workout. But all of what they had was being tested now. Two words could very well change that forever: **_Marry me_**. Protocol dictated what she must tell him and the rest of the crew in response, and the burden of that decision weighed heavily on her heart. Oh, she and Chakotay would still be friends, of that she was certain, but it would never be the same. That particular chain of events had already been set into motion with their conversation earlier in the day. She was alone, now and possibly forever.

Janeway laughed suddenly as she continued to stare at the parchment, empty laughter that refused to carry through the room. "Strange words," she murmured, the mirthless smile fading from her face.

"But, they were written from the heart," da Vinci countered, squeezing her shoulder gently.

She looked up into his aged face, a bit startled that he'd used the same description for her words that she'd used for Chakotay's earlier. "There's something I need to do..." she trailed off into silence.

"But you don't want to," he finished for her.

"I'm bound by loyalties that would be hard to explain, Maestro. I've been forced to make a decision that I never wanted to face..." she struggled for words, "and it will change — it _has_ changed so many things."

"And if you did not have these loyalties, you would make the same decision, yes?"

"No!" Janeway blurted out, at once embarrassed and shocked over her reaction. "No, I wouldn't, I don't think," she hesitated quietly.

Da Vinci smiled sadly at her, cupping her face in his hands. "Oh, Katarina, I can see this has hurt you terribly."

"It's tearing me apart!" she whispered passionately, feeling the tears welling in her eyes again. "What I must do and what I wish I could do are two entirely different things. Either way, loyalties will be tested and I have no choice but to face the consequences alone."

"In that case, my child, there is only one decision you can make," da Vinci offered, taking her hands into his.

"Which decision is that, Maestro?" she asked with a small smile, warmth radiating through her pain as she studied the legendary man.

Leonardo da Vinci looked carefully at the woman in front of him, so strong yet so fragile. Her face, once radiant with strength and confidence, now showed only fatigue and uncertainty. "You must follow your heart, Katarina." His words, though whispered, seemed to echo through the room, slowing time down to a crawl.

Janeway stared at him, hearing his words, yet not understanding them. "Maestro?" she began.

Da Vinci only shook his head, continuing with his thoughts. "Have you any idea how strong the human heart is? It can withstand unbelievable pain and hardship and still beat strongly. No matter how many walls crumble around you, your heart will always pull you through; its resilience is magnificent!" he exclaimed, gesturing toward the ceiling with his arms for emphasis. "But, most of all, my child, your heart will never, ever guide you wrong. Listen to it very carefully. That is where you will find your answers."

For the second time in one day, Janeway felt like laughing and crying all at once. Only this time, that's exactly what she was doing. The tears came freely even as she laughed at the simplicity of his explanation, as well as the joyful expression on his face. Why couldn't life be as simple as this? She stood up from her seat and hugged her mentor tightly. "Thank you!" she whispered into his ear. "You've given me much to think about."

"No!" da Vinci commanded gently, stepping back from the hug to look into her eyes. "Don't think — act."

She smiled then, the tears stopping as she gained strength from his words. "Carpe Diem?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

Her teacher's laughter rang through the workshop as he bent down and kissed her once more on the cheek. "That is my Katarina! Now go and find this young man before he disappears," he urged.

Janeway stared at da Vinci, absolutely stunned. "How did you know my decision had to do with a man?" she asked incredulously.

"Only the pain of love could have disturbed a spirit as strong as yours this greatly," he smiled. "Now go; I'm certain he waits for you."

"Thank you," Janeway whispered, squeezing his hands affectionately. Her gaze stole down to the parchment on the table, her words of loneliness scrolled there in elegant letters. "May I keep this here?" she asked.

"Of course," he said softly.

She smiled once more before turning and heading for the door, leaving a very happy Renaissance Man behind her. "Computer, end program," she called wiping the last of her tears away.

~ * ~ * ~

"Your shot, Chakotay," Paris called, snapping the older man back to reality.

Sandrine's was slow tonight. There were only a few stragglers conversing quietly in the dark corners of the room. It fit Chakotay's mood quite nicely. He got up from his seat at the bar and walked to the pool table. After halfheartedly lining up his shot, he missed terribly, sending the eight ball flying into the corner pocket. "Your game," he announced, smiling at Paris.

"Gee, and I didn't even wear my favorite pool shirt tonight," the younger man quipped, trying to get a rise out of him. But, Chakotay wasn't listening. He was already sitting back down at the bar, staring solemnly at the counter top. Paris looked toward the table where his wife and Harry Kim were watching, neither of them looking particularly cheerful.

Torres got up and walked over to sit next to her old friend. "Hey you," she grinned.

Chakotay turned and looked at her, a weary smile crossing his face. He grasped one of Torres' hands gently in his own and rested them on top the bar. "You're very lucky, B'Elanna," he told her quietly.

"Don't do this, Chakotay, please," she pleaded with him, fighting back a wave of rarely seen tears. "I can't stand seeing you like this."

"All things happen for a reason, B'Ela," he mused sadly. "I just haven't figured out how to deal with this yet. I'll be fine." He squeezed her hand as he finished, trying desperately to convince her that everything was all right.

Behind them, the hiss of the holodeck doors reverberated loudly off the walls. When nobody responded right away, Chakotay turned in his seat to see who the newcomer was. His eyes met those of Kathryn Janeway.

She stood there, just inside the doors, her gaze trained on him alone. Strands of hair had come down from her 'twist' and were hanging in casual disarray around her face. Her eyes were still hiding tears and her face was flushed with emotion, a startling mixture of hope and fear written there. He'd never seen _Voyager's_ captain look so open or so vulnerable before, and he'd never, ever, seen her look more beautiful than she did at that very moment.

Janeway swallowed nervously and took a deep breath before stepping forward towards Chakotay. She acknowledged the other crew members with a small smile as she passed them.

"Captain?" Paris ventured, sounding surprised.

The captain stopped and looked at the young officer. "It's 2100 hours, isn't it, Mister Paris?" she responded softly. "I promised to address the issue at hand, and I intend to do that." Janeway turned back to look at her first officer.

Chakotay was stunned. That was the only word that could possibly describe the look on his face. He quickly got up off the stool and stepped next to her. "Captain, I guess we weren't expecting you to come here," he observed, his voice calm and even, without animosity.

Inwardly, Janeway breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe I can repair the damage, she considered, looking deeply into his eyes. "Earlier today, I lost a bet," Janeway began, letting the words hover for a few seconds before she continued, "a bet that each of us involved agreed to follow through with should we lose. In response to my loss I was asked to marry my first officer..." Her voice faltered.

"Kathryn, you don't have to do this," Chakotay explained softly, his hand instinctively reaching for her shoulder.

"Yes, I do," she smiled weakly at him, fighting back more tears. "My initial thoughts were concerned with how Starfleet would frown on such an arrangement, especially one instigated by an off-duty bet. Then, I had to think about my obligation: holding up my end of the deal. Technically, my personal feelings in this matter would have no bearing if we were still in the Alpha Quadrant. But, we're not. We're here, sixty thousand light years from home, and there's a good possibility that we'll spend the rest of our lives on this ship. Here, my feelings do matter."

The three onlookers stared in disbelief at what was happening before them, holding their breath as they waited for their superior officer to continue. Chakotay held his breath, too. A tiny part of him, the one that truly believed he and Kathryn were destined to spend the rest of their lives together, had been the part that had written 'Marry me' in a moment of sparkling hope. He’d never imagined fate would have taken that wish as far as it had already, and it left him no cushion whatsoever for what happened next.

"Chakotay, you've offered me companionship for this long journey," Janeway finally continued, her voice growing heavier with emotion. "You didn't really mean that as a joke, did you?"

The first officer shook his head slowly, unable to make his vocal chords function.

"In that case," she smiled, her eyes sparkling, "I accept your proposal."

Somewhere in the background, a pool cue fell loudly to the floor, but neither of _Voyager's_ commanding officers noticed. They had been transported into their own world, one where the burdens of the precarious life they led didn't exist and the only thing that mattered was the love they shared. Chakotay was oblivious to the tears that gathered in his own eyes, and completely unaware that there were other people still in the room. His world was Kathryn. And she stood there, smiling at him, looking drained and beautiful and exhilarated all at the same time. Somehow, through his excited daze, he finally managed to find his voice. "What about protocol? Starfleet?"

"They'll just have to deal with our decision when we get home," she explained, unable to wipe the silly smile from her face.

"I love you, Kathryn." The words came out so fast that he even surprised himself.

"Oh, Chakotay," she whispered.

In that same instant, their new world crashed down around them. _Voyager_ reeled violently in a series of massive explosions that sent all of them flying to the floor. Janeway fell hard, her head slamming into the side of the pool table before she collapsed in a heap on the floor. Within the haze of excruciating pain and confusion that followed, there was just one thought that struck her right before the world disappeared into darkness. _Kathryn, you've got the most incredibly bad timing..._

~ * ~ finis ~ * ~


End file.
